The Fence:
The Presidents Wife wanted a Fence around her new Garden. The White House Gardner agreed to let the Dept. of Labor take Bids on the Job. First was a man from Tennessee.... he measured, figuired material and labor costs and gave an estimate of $700.00. Next was a man from NC. He also measured and figuired just as the man form Tennessee did. His bid was $800.00. Last was a man for Washingto DC. He just quickly gave a bid for $2,700.00. The Man from the Govrnment said... "You didn't measure or figuire anything, how did you come up with $2,700.00?"
Simple said the man from DC...... thats $1000.00 for me.... $1000.00 for you , and we will hire the man from Tennessee to build the Fence.
and That is how Government Contracts are done.
tt

Not I," said the cow.


"Not I," said the duck.


"Not I," said the pig.


"Not I," said the goose.


"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did. She planted her crop, and the wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.


"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.


"Not I," said the duck..


"Out of my classification," said the pig.


"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.


"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.


"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.


At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.


"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.


"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.


"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.


"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.


"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.


She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves."


"Excess profits!" cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)


"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)


"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)


The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)


And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.


Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy."


"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.

"Exactly," said Barack the farmer. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle."


And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand."


But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.


Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared...so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.


EPILOGUE


Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.


Hillary got $8 million for hers.


That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.


IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?



JUST BE CAREFUL WHERE YOU STEP!!!!

POLICE HUMOR

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket!"
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were
quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual
comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing
their colonoscopies:


1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

Darn Oldie wrote:

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?



These are two we can all use every day. well most of us.

Also my wife works in the GI lab here in the hospital as a nurse and thinks any Dr. who does not sedate their patients when they poke around in there are mean!

Why I fired my Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on
that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and
say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'

I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning
Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!'
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it
is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and
me..' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest
thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a
beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied..

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there..... On the couch....Naked.

A guy went to the Fire Commission to apply for a job. The interviewer asked
him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replied, "Yes - caffeine."

'Have you ever been in the military service?'

"Yes," he replied. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer said, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment." Then he asked, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy said, "Yes....an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my
testicles."

The interviewer grimaced and then said, "OK, you've got enough points
for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 5:00 P.M. You can
start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."

The guy was puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 5:00 P.M.,
why don't you want me to be here until 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer said. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.."

A woman came home and told her husband, "Remember those headaches I've
been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband said, "What happened?"

His wife replied, "A friend referred me to a hypnotist and he told me
to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,

'I do not have a headache,'
'I do not have a headache,'
'I do not have a headache'

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone."

"Well, that is wonderful" proclaimed the husband.

His wife then said, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the
hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
Reluctantly the husband agreed.

Following his appointment, the husband came home, ripped off his
clothes, picked up his wife and carried her into the bedroom. He put
her on the bed and said "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He went into the bathroom and came back a few minutes later and jumped
into bed and made passionate love with his wife like never before.

His wife said, "WOW! - that was wonderful!"

The husband said, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He went back the bathroom, returned and round two was even better than
the first.

The wife sat up, with her head spinning. "Oh, My God!,"
she proclaimed.

Her husband again said, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that,
he went back to the bathroom.

This time his wife quietly followed him to the bathroom.
She saw him standing at the mirror and saying .....

"She's not my wife."
"She's not my wife,"
"She's not my wife."

His funeral is Saturday.

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner..
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration'. And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a Damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

What part of broke did you not understand?'

Bon apetite!!