Excerpt from Rupert Ross’ Returning to the Teachings

Looking Beyond Events
To begin the process of reconnection, healers are likely to begin a number of investigations. They might investigate, for instance, whether the person had been abused in any fashion, and as a consequence started disconnecting himself from others, carving out places where others could no longer touch and hurt him. They might want to know if he or she had been involved instead (or as well) in relationships that were good and valuable to him, but that had somehow evaporated, despite his best efforts, leaving him afraid to attempt new connections for fear that they too would lead only to eventual abandonment. They might want to know whether he had simply been raised without connections of either kind, good or bad, at a distance from the world, seeing things and people as resources only, unaware of feelings like warmth, respect and care. They might want to know if he had done things for which he had never forgiven himself, things that kept him from being connected warmly with others because his shame kept him from feeling warm connections with himself They might want to know if he had become violently manipulative of others because the whole course of his life had told him that violent connections were the only way to say, "I am here, can you see me?"

No matter what kinds of events are explored, it seems that their importance is always evaluated in terms of whether they have led to healthy or unhealthy connections-or the decision to avoid connections of any sort at all. The issue is never as simple as just looking for events.

After such investigations, part of the healing process will likely involve searching for ways to deal with the anger, pain, grief, guilt or other negative feelings that have built up. As long as they remain strong, they can only get in the way of efforts to build healthy relationships—including relationships with the healers themselves. The teachings suggest that there are many different ways to discharge such emotions, and that talking is only one of them. I have been given a Cree teaching that lists seven ways: crying, yelling, talking, sweating, singing, dancing and praying. Any number of combinations may be required for a particular individual and a particular set of circumstances. Finding the combinations that are most effective for all four dimensions of each individual may be complex in itself, requiring great sensitivity on the part of the healers.

One of the most powerful healing tools I have encountered is the sweat-lodge. Those I have attended (and found personally powerful) involved the three activities of singing, sweating and praying. They did not involve talking about, or even mentioning, the particular problem you wanted help with. It seems to be understood that in some contexts talking can even get in the way of dealing with some issues because it puts you one step removed from your physical, emotional and spiritual dimensions. It is sometimes better to create processes that bypass this distraction and aim straight for the "heart" of the matter instead.

It is also understood that even the healthiest people should make regular use of such techniques—for regular cleansing of our emotional, mental and spiritual dimensions is seen as no less important than regular physical cleansing. They should all be part of each day, and should never be seen as somehow embarrassing or shameful.

While the discharge processes are being used, many other steps may have to be taken as well. For people who have known only abusive relationships, for instance, it may take some effort to convince them that healthy relationships are possible. As I will explore later, trust, love and respect are just words to many people, for they have never known them. Those people will have to be helped to face the events that have prevented them from knowing those feelings, to learn how to discuss them openly. Only then can they start to gain some understanding of how their relationships broke down, evaporated or degenerated into violence. In cases where two strangers have come together in a sudden, violent connection like an assault, restorative measures may be accomplished with relative ease. In cases of longstanding abuse, however, where unhealthy relationships ate themselves causing "outside" eruptions of violence, the process is likely to be much more lengthy and complex.

To change their unhealthy relationships, offenders, victims and their families learn how to change the ways they relate to others. Manipulation is transformed into respect, fear into caring, power into partnership. The ancient teachings that help people make those kinds of changes must not only be given in words to those who have come for help; they must also be given by being manifested by the helpers themselves in everything they say, do and offer. The healing team must demonstrate the most fundamental teaching of all-that life is relationships and that acting in individualistic defiance of that reality will only lead everyone downhill.

No Frills, All the Spills
Once a focus on relationships occupies centre stage, some other things seem almost inevitable. As we have seen, there is the understanding that you cannot effectively deal with unhealthy connections between people by dealing with people as individuals, as having independent control of their own fates. Instead, because the connections are the issue, all the major players in anyone's life will have to be part of the process. If they are not, there is simply no way to understand or alter the connections between them.

That is not to say that there is no such thing as "one-on-one" work or that all the players in severely dysfunctional groups should be instantly brought together in every case and worked with en masse. As we shall see, sometimes the power imbalances between players call for intensive individual work before it is either safe or useful to bring them together. It is true, however, that the most intensive healing efforts will likely come undone if they are restricted to only one of the players involved, or if all those players are "treated" separately. If people "go home" at the end of their formal healing to all the unchanged relationships that dragged them down in the first place, there is every chance that all the good work will come quickly undone. Many times, for instance, case workers and community members have seen Aboriginal children who abuse solvents whisked away to a distant treatment centre, worked with as intensely and well as can be imagined, then sent home only to "revert to form" within a matter of weeks.

To some observers, their relapse says that the children themselves are just hopeless cases, for whom nothing can be done. To the healing people I have come to know, it says something different: that there are very few of us—children or adults—who can ever hope to sustain internal harmony if everything that touches us shrieks of discord. … Better, they say, to take out a core of the healthiest people, help them become as healthy as they can be as individuals and as a functioning group, then return them to support each other as they bring their group power to bear on the challenge of turning that discord around.

Within the narrowest definition of connection, then, it is seen as essential to include at least the immediate family and most important friends in the healing process. Recall the recommendations of the three Cree women, who spoke at the trial of the man who had beaten his wife. They made recommendations first for the Dad, then for the Mom and Dad, and then for Mom, Dad and kids together. At the time, I thought the second two steps were "add-ons"—frills that were only secondary to the goal of helping the man. Now I have come to understand that working with the individuals was just preparation for the main challenge, creating a healthier group.

Including families and others in the process is not an "extra" that, in times of tight budgets, can be carved away as an unaffordable luxury. Instead, including those people is seen as a precondition to the effective and lasting healing of individuals. When the Ojibway woman at the alcohol treatment centre pointed to the circle of chairs and the drum in her healing circle and said, "In our understanding, we heal best when we heal together," she was saying so much more than I understood at the time.

This focus on relationships is not confined to relationships between people. Of equal importance are the relationships people establish between themselves and the rest of Creation. The teachings that requite certain attitudes in one context of life require them in all contexts. Respect and sharing, for instance, are not attributes that can be turned on and off like a tap, or called upon only in special circumstances. They require effort and will, and must be a part of continuing relationships with all aspects of Creation.

At the same time, we must constantly monitor the relationships between our mental, physical, emotional and spiritual dimensions as individuals and do what we can to keep healthy and balanced connections between them. If that is not done (and it is never "done" bur must be always pursued!), it is understood that the combinations of wisdom, stamina, courage and faith needed for "a good life" will not exist. In fact, the understanding is that society itself must be dedicated to maintaining the same balance. If it does not, if it concentrates on the mental and physical dimensions of existence and ignores or maligns the emotional and spiritual, then it becomes increasingly difficult for individuals to maintain their own balance as well. There is only so much each person can do to stand against the prevailing winds if those winds are ill.

From pgs. 140-145 of Returning to the Teachings: Exploring Aboriginal Justice, by Rupert Ross. Reprinted with kind permission of the author.